12 January 2009

Learning how to communicate all over again!

I hate fighting with Mr. Calioc, but sometimes it is just unavoidable. We've said things to eachother that I would never repeat to anyone, yet somehow we manage to forgive eachother and move on. I think this is one of the differences that marriage has made for us; we recover from fights much quicker and with more understanding. There are certian topics that seem to trigger arguments, but the interesting thing is that each time the fights get shorter, quieter, and smaller. Topics that we argue about:

  • Housework

  • My Masters Program

  • Moving (when, where)

  • Babysitting (and no, we don't have kids yet)

  • Sex

I've learned that we oftentimes push eachothers buttons when we fight instead of doing what we know will end the fight. I believe this is common for married couples; you hurt the ones you love. There are a few things I know I need to work on to avoid making arguments bigger than they need to be: stay calm and not yell, don't walk out of the room or house, give him his space when he needs it, and hug him when I feel like crying.

Our most recent fight was about moving. At the moment I commute about 45 minutes to work and Mr. Calioc drives about 5 minutes to work. I found a house that is closer to my work by about 15 minutes, but it would add about 15 or 20 minutes to my husbands drive. This would put me at about 30 min and him at about 20 min. So, the argument was (this is the abridged version) that he felt that because he knows he will be staying at his job forever we should buy a house that allows him not to commute and that since I will most likely be making more money than him down the road I should be the one to commute.
To give you a little insight into this argument (which has now been resolved) here are the emails between me and his mom:

MIL: Yes, I know how Mr. Calioc feels about commuting. When he got the job in Irvine, he went out and bought a place in Irvine. I did mapquest it and it was 40 minutes from us. Not too bad, but a little far for daycare if that is in the future for us. For us the closer the better, but where ever it turns out that you two live it is most important that you are happy. I really wish a super buy would come up in Irvine, it is such a wonderful place. Even before Mr. Calioc bought there when we would drive through it I admired it, so open and clean.
Have you looked at anything close to Edinger and Jamboree? When we took the dogs over there, there seemed to be a lot of building going on and it looked nice.

Me: Mr. Calioc wants to look further down the 5 fwy by the Irvine Spectrum in Laguna Nigel and Portola. So instead of commuting 45 minutes to an hour to work, I would be commuting 1hr 20 minutes to 1hr 40 minutes to work, but he wouldnʼt really have a commute. I really donʼt see how that is fair. But, oh well.

MIL: Hopefully, when the job market is better for teachers you can transfer into Irvine, providing you want to. That way you both will be close. After you have kids you probably won't want to commute at all. You will want spend as much time as possible with a little one.
Too, I think commuting is a stressful thing for Mr. Calioc, that is why he bought so close to his job. He could have spent way less and had a little commute, so it must be have been that important to him. This is probably the only way you can understand his viewpoint.

Me: As for the house, we talked about it more and it looks like his issue is with value vs. commute. Meaning, that if we get a great deal on a house, then he is willing to drive a little further to work. Anaheim Hills is actually a little more expensive than Lake Forest, Portola, etc… So areas that in his mind are “out of our range” would be Irvine, Tustin Ranch, Anaheim Hills, Orange Hills, Yorba Linda – even though they are all good places to live we won’t have much luck finding houses in “our range”. So, the areas he is willing to look at are ones that would give us the most value for our dollar – in South County that would be Lake Forest, Laguna Niguel, and Portola, outside of South County that would be south/west Corona. I told him that I don’t mind South County as long as we are close to the 5 fwy, and I don’t mind Corona as long as it is in a nicer gated community with close access to the 241 toll road and the 91.
We still aren’t ready to do this until May, but he is super excited because the rates just dropped again.

Okay, so if you actually read all of that then you noticed that babysitting was brought up and that his mom (and Mr. Calioc) thinks I should change jobs to keep his commute shorter! So, tonight when I came home from work Mr. Calioc was on the phone with his mom talking about houses, and sure enough she felt that we were moving too far away from the family. She wants to be our babysitter. My husband knows that is not what I want; I mean, I don't mind family babysitting sometimes, but not regularly during the week. I want grandparents to be grandparents. His family lives in Huntington Beach and mine lives in Temecula, so really Corona would be right between them.

Okay, I'm afraid I'm starting to ramble. I am sure this is going to come up again (and again). Oh yeah, the particular house we were fighting about is in Anaheim Hills, and as of yesterday is now off the market.


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