12 November 2008

Is this depression?

I'm not exactly sure how to go about writing this, so I'm just going to write. I think I'm depressed. Well, maybe depressed is too strong of a word. I have nothing to be depressed about. I am happily married, I have a great job that (so far) has not been affected by the economy, and I now have two families that love me.

Yet, my usually energetic, take on the world, I can do anything attitude is failing me. I'm tired all the time, I've cancelled on two parties this month, and I spent my 4 day weekend doing nothing. This is not like me. Ugh. I know that some of it may stem from the dislike of my master's program that seems to be growing; but that can't be all of it.

Have you ever felt like this? I feel like I am always the most responsible person -- the one that gets things done, the one everyone trusts; but I don't want to be that person right now. I want it to be okay for me to flake, for me to crawl into bed and let everything fall apart without feeling guilty. But I can't.

I talked to my mom about it a little, but my issues always seem so trivial after talking to her. She always mentions my brother... now that could be its very own blog. My brother.

My brother was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when he was 22 years old; he is now 33. He is currently living in a dual diagnosis group home and is attending outpaitent care 5 days a week. He's trying to get a job at Starbuck's and interviews this week. They agreed to interview him knowing that he has a felony on his record and lives in a group home -- kudos to them.

I really don't know where this post is going. I think I just needed to write without a set purpose. I cancelled my personal training appointment tonight and I've already decided not to go to my master's classes tomorrow night. On Sunday I'm going to my parent's house. I'm hoping that makes me feel better. Ugh. Bleh. Thanks for reading, sorry for not being my usually happy self.



Ashley said...

You are definitely not the only one who goes through that!! I am definitely in a slump as of late... my go to word has been melancholy. I'm not depressed, I'm just down. Our wedding was Oct 18.. and I know part of it is that I don't feel like a have a useful purpose so much now. And we moved to a new city about 6 months ago, so are closest friends are live hours away..

The best thing I've found to remedy the feeling is to force yourself to go do something.. even if it is just window shopping.. don't just let yourself curl up on the couch, it only prolongs the down feelings. Try something new! Even if it's just cooking something you've never tried.

The weekend is a good time to try to perk up... good luck!

Anonymous said...

I hope that things get better for you.
I think that part of what might be happening is that you need some "event" coming up and you don't think that there is one.
You concentrated on your wedding and the life afterward just sort of seemed like a given. It is a given but each day is a gift. It is also getting to the time of year when more people get SADD because of the weather.
It is normal to feel the way that you are but if you feel that you might have some sort of problem then perhaps you might want to see a doctor or see someone to talk to.
There is no shame in it.
I hope that you feel better soon.

CaliOC said...

Thank you Ashley and Anonymous - I needed to hear that from someone other than my husband! I figured that a lot of it had to do with my master's program and now I've found a way out of the slump!